Juchan should get her own one of these....

[frannyan]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Even taking into account the fact that she's asleep now - and it's almost 1 in the afternoon - I don't know how to talk to her sometimes. And she won't listen about this. Or won't hear.

How many times to I have to tell her that I'm jealous of one of our mutual best friends before she gets it? How many times to I have to tell her taht it hurts when Zänna gets on and Fran immediately wants to play with something I'm not involved in without asking ift here's something I want to do?

And how much more it hurts when she's been with Zänna all day and has to get up from where we're snuggling to say hi to her. And then five minutes later when I come back from the bathroom she's asking about the AU.

I think I understand what Jen and Kristen must feel better now, and I'm sorry to them. I'm sorry that she's my life and that I can't get along without her. And I'm sorry that sometimes it's just not enough. And I'm sorry that I don't know how to say it. And I'm sorry that it always feels like it's my fault.

I'm sorry I hurt her, but I'm hurting too.

Because Jen's right. This isn't my room. It's hers, and I'm just staying here. And in clearing out Lauren's energy and filling it with her own, she's making it even less mine. Because I can't compete with her, and I don't even try most of the time. Because it's NOT MY ROOM.

And I'm again sorry for dumping on Zänna. I unnderstand that it makes you feel worthy, but I also know that having your friends hurt and having nothing you can do about it wears on you. Thank you, Zänna. I love you.

I really need someone competent. The Counseling Center is great, but I need someone who can tell me how to deal with this because I don't know. I have all this rage, and I have all this hurt, and I've bottled up so long that I don't know what to do with them. And my barriers keep getting weaker and weaker.

But mostly I need to find a way to make her listen. Every time, she has the same answers. And those answers are nice, and what I need to hear, in part. But knowing that she doesn't mean it doesn't change what I perceive. And there's nothing that changes to make me see differently.

I have to stop being her shadow, but I don't know how. I have to stop going along with everything, but I don't know how. I have to stop letting myself be hurt, and do something so that she'll understand, and I won't be hurt anymore but I don't know how.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Comments

Yes. Juchan SHOULD get her own.

[tzarohell.livejournal.com]

I hope saying all that helped release what you're feeling. Judy, you are so wonderful. I love you too. I really hope this all works out. Permanently. You know you can talk to be about this any time.