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Spam fowards from the late 90s!~ :D
I'm looking at old saved emails. :D
Are you a child of the 80's ? QUIZ
You're an 80's child if...
--You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
--You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
--You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery. (All those early videos) Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
--You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wristbands at some point during your youth.
--You were styling with your french rolled pants.
--You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once. Aha, puffy paints!
--You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt. What is that, do you know? Cabbage Patch Kids?
--You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
--You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
--You were upset when She-Rah, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.
--You can remember watching Full House, Silver Spoons, and Saved By the Bell for endless hours.
--You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
--You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
--You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
--You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
--You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
--You know what "Sike!" means.
--You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants)
--You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
--You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
--You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
--You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
--You ever wore flourescent -neon if you will- clothing...(or nailpolish)
--You could breakdance, or wished you could.
--You know who Max Headroom is. Sounds familiar, do you know?
--You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
--You know all the words to "ice ice baby".
--You remember M.C. hammer.
--You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel air".
--You own any cassettes.
--You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon and Mars.
--You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.
--Poltergeist freaked you out.
--You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
--You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
--My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, PinWheel with Molly the Mole, Double Dare, Popples, and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar
to you.
--You know what a Doozer is.
--You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
--You ever had a Swatch Watch.
--You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
--You wanted to live in Muffy the Mouse's house on Today's Special.
--You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
--You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
--You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
--You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
--You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
--You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy,stop!!")
--Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!"
CLUBS OF THE WORLD
The Agoraphobic Society? Only if they meet at my house
The Alzheimer's Club? Forget it.
The Anti-perspirant Club? Sure. Unless it's banned.
The Arafat Club? Yes sir.
The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Compulsive Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Ford-Nixon Club? Pardon me!
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Groucho Marx Club? You bet your life.
The Japanese Theatre Club? Noh.
The Peter Pan Club? Never. Never.
The Prayer Group? God willing!
The Pregnancy Club? It's conceiveable.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe next month...
The Quarterback Club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler Club? I don't give a damn.
The Self Esteem Builders? Oh, they wouldn't want me.
The Spanish Optometrists Club? Si. Si.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
I found my old tag file too. :D
Inside joke section that ... maybe one person on my list will get. Maybe :) If he even reads this anymore. :)
Palin is of the Borg.. he is third of five!
"Froinlaven narfed Poit for zorting with his izod named Loff."
Three. Hundred. Baud. Tagline. <-- Dated, but still funny. :D
Windows 4.0 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading.
A life! What BBS can I download that from?
If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
>
>
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped itspointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile marine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no
I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
Asshole.
Bitch.
>
Wanker.
>
Slut.
>
Get fucked.
>
Eat shit.
>
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
>
Go drink some tea - whore.
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He
asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and
that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Book of Mormon
__ Koran
__ Divine insperation
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My mama done tol' me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other (specify):___________________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pac]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pac]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pac]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
__ God 1,0b (cosmic muffin)
__ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all
things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
__ Makes bad things happen to good people
__ Permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requiers virgin sacrifices
__ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to
acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Graduated from the tooth fairy
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5.Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so,
which false god were you fooled by? Please check all
that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Rajanish
__ Baal
__ The almighty dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left-wing liberalism
__ The radical right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The moon
__ TV news
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology
__ Television __ Fortune Cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Biorythms
__ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves
__ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert __ Human Sacrifice
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 -
5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
burning shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
burning shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services? (attach
an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and
return it to one of our conveniently located drop off
boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One
Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of
winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the
23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).
I think that's enough spam for one entry :D
Are you a child of the 80's ? QUIZ
You're an 80's child if...
--You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
--You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
--You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery. (All those early videos) Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
--You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wristbands at some point during your youth.
--You were styling with your french rolled pants.
--You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once. Aha, puffy paints!
--You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt. What is that, do you know? Cabbage Patch Kids?
--You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
--You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
--You were upset when She-Rah, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.
--You can remember watching Full House, Silver Spoons, and Saved By the Bell for endless hours.
--You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
--You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
--You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
--You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
--You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
--You know what "Sike!" means.
--You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants)
--You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
--You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
--You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
--You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
--You ever wore flourescent -neon if you will- clothing...(or nailpolish)
--You could breakdance, or wished you could.
--You know who Max Headroom is. Sounds familiar, do you know?
--You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
--You know all the words to "ice ice baby".
--You remember M.C. hammer.
--You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel air".
--You own any cassettes.
--You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon and Mars.
--You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.
--Poltergeist freaked you out.
--You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
--You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
--My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, PinWheel with Molly the Mole, Double Dare, Popples, and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar
to you.
--You know what a Doozer is.
--You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
--You ever had a Swatch Watch.
--You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
--You wanted to live in Muffy the Mouse's house on Today's Special.
--You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
--You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
--You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
--You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
--You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
--You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy,stop!!")
--Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!"
CLUBS OF THE WORLD
The Agoraphobic Society? Only if they meet at my house
The Alzheimer's Club? Forget it.
The Anti-perspirant Club? Sure. Unless it's banned.
The Arafat Club? Yes sir.
The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Compulsive Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Ford-Nixon Club? Pardon me!
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Groucho Marx Club? You bet your life.
The Japanese Theatre Club? Noh.
The Peter Pan Club? Never. Never.
The Prayer Group? God willing!
The Pregnancy Club? It's conceiveable.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe next month...
The Quarterback Club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler Club? I don't give a damn.
The Self Esteem Builders? Oh, they wouldn't want me.
The Spanish Optometrists Club? Si. Si.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
I found my old tag file too. :D
Inside joke section that ... maybe one person on my list will get. Maybe :) If he even reads this anymore. :)
Palin is of the Borg.. he is third of five!
"Froinlaven narfed Poit for zorting with his izod named Loff."
Three. Hundred. Baud. Tagline. <-- Dated, but still funny. :D
Windows 4.0 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading.
A life! What BBS can I download that from?
If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
>
>
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped itspointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile marine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no
I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
Asshole.
Bitch.
>
Wanker.
>
Slut.
>
Get fucked.
>
Eat shit.
>
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
>
Go drink some tea - whore.
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He
asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and
that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Book of Mormon
__ Koran
__ Divine insperation
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My mama done tol' me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other (specify):___________________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pac]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pac]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pac]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
__ God 1,0b (cosmic muffin)
__ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all
things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
__ Makes bad things happen to good people
__ Permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requiers virgin sacrifices
__ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to
acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Graduated from the tooth fairy
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5.Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so,
which false god were you fooled by? Please check all
that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Rajanish
__ Baal
__ The almighty dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left-wing liberalism
__ The radical right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The moon
__ TV news
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology
__ Television __ Fortune Cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Biorythms
__ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves
__ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert __ Human Sacrifice
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 -
5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
burning shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
burning shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services? (attach
an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and
return it to one of our conveniently located drop off
boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One
Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of
winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the
23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).
I think that's enough spam for one entry :D
no subject
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