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*sighs*
[and first, Rich: I'm fine. :) No need to IM, this if PF (that message board) stuff. *smiles* Just skim over cause it's not gonna make sence to ya. This actualy goes for all non-PF people. ^^]
welp, again, in my eyes not seeing posts by my friends (first Jen's and now Hooded;s. Sheesh. *kicks eyeballs*) just now saw Hooded's good bye post.
*sighs* [meh, I need a new ava here... no good lament one. >< ]
This was the one I knew would happen and the one that sucks the most. This is part of the reason I had decided I wouldn't reveil my mirror was because I knew there would be backlash.
I'm suprizingly regretting this latest 'moment of Zen' less then my usial ones... funny how all of them involve me being destuctive and honest. ^^ (well... truthful anyway. I don;t think there was much honesty involved in throwing a butter knife at Justin. *laughs*) Hooded's the only casualty I wish didn't have to be. [And Angelo. *sighs* If he wants to be banned, who am I to unbann him?] Maybe I just should have just bitched Indi out. ^^
I guess this just further goes to prove it. PF is imbalanced. I don't know how to fix it, or even if it can be fixed. We're falling apart. We have been since PF started. I guess it was kinda foolish for me to think I could hold everything together when I can't even hold myself together... *laughs softly*
All cause of my own expectations of myself. I had to be perfect. I had to be kind. I had to be everything Reno wasn't in the end. I had to be the mommy, loving everyone equaliy... You can't be that person. [well.. maybe Myao can. ^^ Myao's a saint that way... ^^ But I would never put her in my position. I think it would kill her....]
So here's that regreat part, as the cockly 'fuck you!' fades.
Maybe I should have kept the Eizou post where she pointed out my destructive side... where she said she hoped I wouldn;t repeat past mistakes and not take PF with me...
Maybe I just should have burried her and not listened...
But the yami side is still part of me... Buring it for so long is what caused this. Because I didn't want people to see me laughing. I didn't want people to see me being what everyone always said I was. I didn't want to be the bad one.
I should have realized it wouldn't last. Granted, it wasn't as draining as last time I was someone's mommy... and it wasn't as abusive either. But it ended in the similar way... only I never told her to fuck off, nor did I tell her she was a fucking idiot. Maybe I should have. Maybe I can blame her for some of this too... having someone wanting to kill you because you told them you didn't want to be their friend anymore can be rather.... scar enducing.
Oh yes, and if you;'re reading this, above mentioned person, I hope next time you hear that noise at your door your knife breaks. *Glares* You are one of the three people in this world I feel I truely can hate. You fucked me up ways you'll NEVER know because you're too fucking full of yourself. I laugh at you now. I laugh at your pain. I laugh because you lived some of what I did. How does it feel to have the three fold law up your ass, huh?
Makes me almost wish I did more in high school when I had a yami then... Carefuly striking back in ways she never noticed. Never could. Fucking abusive bitch....
Heh... I can almost see the confused faces of most of you reading this... I think only Judy will understand all of this post...
oh yes, and Indi (even though you'll never read this) At least Judy admits she's a hypocitical bitch. You never do. And half the time she posts it's bcause I can't.
But I won't hid behind her anymore. I won;t hide behind Eizou either. Even though honestly counts for NOTHING in the real world, I still will do my best to be honest to those I care about...
even PF.
End bitter rant 1.
welp, again, in my eyes not seeing posts by my friends (first Jen's and now Hooded;s. Sheesh. *kicks eyeballs*) just now saw Hooded's good bye post.
*sighs* [meh, I need a new ava here... no good lament one. >< ]
This was the one I knew would happen and the one that sucks the most. This is part of the reason I had decided I wouldn't reveil my mirror was because I knew there would be backlash.
I'm suprizingly regretting this latest 'moment of Zen' less then my usial ones... funny how all of them involve me being destuctive and honest. ^^ (well... truthful anyway. I don;t think there was much honesty involved in throwing a butter knife at Justin. *laughs*) Hooded's the only casualty I wish didn't have to be. [And Angelo. *sighs* If he wants to be banned, who am I to unbann him?] Maybe I just should have just bitched Indi out. ^^
I guess this just further goes to prove it. PF is imbalanced. I don't know how to fix it, or even if it can be fixed. We're falling apart. We have been since PF started. I guess it was kinda foolish for me to think I could hold everything together when I can't even hold myself together... *laughs softly*
All cause of my own expectations of myself. I had to be perfect. I had to be kind. I had to be everything Reno wasn't in the end. I had to be the mommy, loving everyone equaliy... You can't be that person. [well.. maybe Myao can. ^^ Myao's a saint that way... ^^ But I would never put her in my position. I think it would kill her....]
So here's that regreat part, as the cockly 'fuck you!' fades.
Maybe I should have kept the Eizou post where she pointed out my destructive side... where she said she hoped I wouldn;t repeat past mistakes and not take PF with me...
Maybe I just should have burried her and not listened...
But the yami side is still part of me... Buring it for so long is what caused this. Because I didn't want people to see me laughing. I didn't want people to see me being what everyone always said I was. I didn't want to be the bad one.
I should have realized it wouldn't last. Granted, it wasn't as draining as last time I was someone's mommy... and it wasn't as abusive either. But it ended in the similar way... only I never told her to fuck off, nor did I tell her she was a fucking idiot. Maybe I should have. Maybe I can blame her for some of this too... having someone wanting to kill you because you told them you didn't want to be their friend anymore can be rather.... scar enducing.
Oh yes, and if you;'re reading this, above mentioned person, I hope next time you hear that noise at your door your knife breaks. *Glares* You are one of the three people in this world I feel I truely can hate. You fucked me up ways you'll NEVER know because you're too fucking full of yourself. I laugh at you now. I laugh at your pain. I laugh because you lived some of what I did. How does it feel to have the three fold law up your ass, huh?
Makes me almost wish I did more in high school when I had a yami then... Carefuly striking back in ways she never noticed. Never could. Fucking abusive bitch....
Heh... I can almost see the confused faces of most of you reading this... I think only Judy will understand all of this post...
oh yes, and Indi (even though you'll never read this) At least Judy admits she's a hypocitical bitch. You never do. And half the time she posts it's bcause I can't.
But I won't hid behind her anymore. I won;t hide behind Eizou either. Even though honestly counts for NOTHING in the real world, I still will do my best to be honest to those I care about...
even PF.
End bitter rant 1.